Sexual fluidity: What happens when she leaves him for her?

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Sexual fluidity: What happens when she leaves him for her?

ZOSIA BIELSKI

From Friday's Globe and Mail

Published Thursday, Jan. 13, 2011 5:12PM EST

Last updated Friday, Jan. 14, 2011 3:59PM EST

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Candace Walsh was heterosexual until the age of 18, bisexual until she turned 24, back to heterosexual for a decade after that, and a lesbian since she left her husband about four years ago.
Ms. Walsh writes about the experience, described as “sexual fluidity,” in Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women, a collection of essays by women who, as psychology professor Lisa Diamond writes in the foreword, “report sudden and surprising adult experiences of same-sex desire – sometimes after 10, 20, or 30 years of heterosexuality – which turn their worlds upside down.”
 

Ms. Walsh edited the anthology with Laura André: The two met on Match.com after Ms. Walsh divorced her husband; the marriage had become mutually “loveless” after eight years.
Of her newfound lesbianism – she hasn’t felt straight or bisexual since October, 2006 – she said, “When I was married, I thought there’s no more exploration. Once I was out on my own again, I thought it would be really silly to go end up with the next guy who liked me.”

From their home in Santa Fe, N.M., Ms. Walsh and Ms. André spoke to The Globe and Mail about
women leaving their husbands for other women.

Tell me about “sexual fluidity,” which seems central to these memoirs. It’s not homosexuality.
Candace Walsh Lisa Diamond’s book Sexual Fluidity helped me to understand it. She did groundbreaking research, asking a group of women how they identified sexually and checking in on them every three years. The women changed their identification – they were shifting throughout their lives, way more than Dr. Diamond expected. It wasn’t just straight women going to the gay side; it was also gay women hooking up with male partners, getting married, falling in love. There are certain women who absolutely stay put, but way more than we would anticipate shift. And yet we assume that sexuality is fixed. It’s very easy to think that you’re wrong or maybe a liar or in denial if you identify as straight for the first 30 years of your life and that completely changes. You think, ‘Am I wrong now, or was I wrong then?’
How is it different from being bisexual?
Laura André Sexual fluidity is the idea that one’s orientation can shift. Instead of being equally attracted to men and women, someone can go from one to the other and embrace it fully.
For husbands, is it worse to leave be left for another woman or another man? In both cases you may have infidelity, but in one case there’s also a question of sexuality.
Ms. Walsh I definitely don’t want to speak for those husbands, at all. I thought my ex-husband would be happier that my intention was to date women after the marriage was over. But I can’t say any husband in the book was quoted as saying, ‘Well, thank God you’re with a woman so I don’t have to think about some guy in bed with you.’ Women might hope that it’s a softer blow.
What’s the hardest aspect of it for the husbands in the book?
Ms. André In some cases the relationships were moribund and fizzling out anyway, but for the relationships that were very strong, it’s earth-shattering. You’re losing the woman you love and in some cases families are being broken up. Most of the men in the stories ended up being very supportive partners and remain friends with their exes. They’ve been able to get through the difficult period.
Ms. Walsh We’re now getting acquainted with this as a reason for a divorce. One of our most senior writers in the book, Sheila Smith, is in her 70s. She spent decades privately yearning to be with a woman but didn’t want to go back on her word. Her husband ended up leaving her for a grad student. She made this sacrifice and the marriage ended anyway for a reason we’re more accustomed to.