Until recently, it was assumed Don Draper used his tear ducts strictly as extra storage space for testosterone. But in a recent episode of Mad Men, the unflappable protagonist, bereft over the death of a friend, unleashed his profound sorrow in a flood of sobs that sent viewers of the 1960s-set show into a frenzy.
Photograph by: AMC, AMC
But in a recent episode of Mad Men, the unflappable TV character — bereft over the death of a friend — unleashed a torrent of sobs that sent viewers of the 1960s-set show into a frenzy. In that era, after all, it wasn't every day you saw an alpha male expose the chinks in his armour.
The problem, however, is that jaws hit the floor precisely as hard over modern-day Toy Story 3, and its proven ability to make "grown men cry." Surely, men fleeing from spiders and stiff jars going unopened would be next.
"The reflexive media mania over man-tears illustrates just how entrenched retro gender role proscriptions still are," says Jennifer L. Pozner, executive director of Women In Media & News. "These 'Stop the presses! Men have emotions!' stories function as a journalistic reprimand against those who sin against traditionally strict definitions of masculinity."
According to Pozner, who teases the issue in her forthcoming book Reality Bites Back, the subtext of society's recurring amazement over male tears is that guys should "bite their lip, suck it up and act like 'real men.' "
Like a broken record (Roy Orbison's Crying, no doubt), we follow a pattern of saying it's cool for guys' eyes to well up, then acting surprised when they actually do.
When Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman saw Toy Story 3, and found himself doing "that soppy, awkward thing where you make sounds," the film critic confessed embarrassment over his unravelling. His column's headline nonetheless read, "Message to men: Yes, it's OK to cry at Toy Story 3."
"There are these ritualized times when men are 'allowed' to cry and not have it count against them," says anti-sexism activist Jackson Katz, pointing to funerals, sports victories and moments of profound patriotism as examples. "But when you cry outside those occasions, your manhood is questioned. Part of male socialization is learning those rules."
It all begs the question: if a man weeps in the forest, and no one is there to analyze it, is his masculinity still intact?
Whether entertainment that makes men cry — think Saving Private Ryan or Field of Dreams — or entertainment that shows men crying — Brad Pitt's well-hydrated performance in Legends of the Fall, or Heath Ledger's poignant, strangled sobs in Brokeback Mountain — the itch to scrutinize rarely goes unscratched.
"There's this idea that being a real man means being in control — of others and of yourself. And crying is a metaphor for loss of control," says Katz, author of The Macho Paradox. "That's the heart of the matter right there."
Ben Atherton-Zeman, a self-professed "tough guy who cries all the time," believes taboos about crying are upheld because enforcing conventional gender types keeps males in the driver's seat. Asking whether "real men" cry, then, becomes a kind of backlash against social progress.
"The feminist movement has made so many advancements in challenging traditional gender roles, for both women and men. But old habits die hard," says Atherton-Zeman, spokesperson for the National Organization for Men Against Sexism. "So when we see a man crying, it still seems remarkable to us."
The Good Men Project Magazine recently published a compilation of male sob stories, with waterworks reported over everything from Charlotte's Web (author Jonathan Eig) to Barack Obama's election (journalist Tom Jolly). Many, however, either couldn't remember the last time they wept (producer David Atchison) or shunned the behaviour altogether, with middle-school student Justin Thompson remarking: "I don't cry. I'm not a girl."
"There's been a shift in acceptance of men's vulnerability," says gender scholar Katz. "But some of that change has been overstated . . . There's a long way to go before we have fully evolved men."
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