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to this video: http://www.youtube.com/user/
I will use this blog to post news and media items that relate to "Introduction to Women's Studies" course themes and topics.
October 14, 2009
Copyright © 2009, The Los Angeles Times
Frau Sally Benz, blogging at Feministe, has a fascinating series of articles about her experience with non-monogamous* relationships. She relates this to feminism using an interesting catch: letting go of the ingrained idea that we "possess" our partners.
Benz's positioning is quite provocative, and she makes sure to include a hefty disclaimer in her original piece:
Now, I want to be clear in stating that just because nonmonogamy holds up self-awareness, self-discovery, a lack of possession, and a sense of autonomy as the ideal does not mean it's always practiced that way. I am not so naïve as to think that every nonmonogamous couple has got these things down. But it seems to me that the structure society has created for monogamy is not one that coincides as easily with what I've described.
I also want to be clear in stating that I don't mean to say that these ideals are exclusive to nonmonogamy. Certainly, everyone should be striving for relationships where they are fully aware of their needs and do not see their partners are possessions. And of course there are monogamous couples who do not view themselves as one entity, but rather a pair of closely-bonded individuals. However, these are not things I see that often in monogamous couples, at least the ones I know. Maybe I just know the world's shittiest monogamists, but what I usually see is a lot of jealousy (a rather unhealthy amount, if you ask me), a lot "we" with no sense at all of "I" (again, sometimes dangerously so), and a complete lack of internal communication. Not only are all of these things present, but so many people don't see anything wrong with that, and that's the problem.
Benz explains that she finds many parts of working toward a non-monogamous ideal dovetailing with feminist beliefs. Aside from shifting the focus in a relationship away from the possession dynamic (which is one often cited by abusers, as in "you belong to me") non monogamy also requires that both parties are very clear about what they are looking for from each partner in each relationship. She notes:
Women especially are generally expected to put themselves last. They must worry about their children husbands, parents, jobs, household chores, etc. all before thinking about themselves. As feminists, we recognize that this should not be the case. And in a nonmonogamous relationship, this can't be the case because you aren't successful unless you're navigating according to your needs and desires.
Indeed, upending the predominant paradigm of relationships sounds intriguing. But can it work?
Frau Sally Benz actually gives up her second spot at Feministe, posting her thoughts to her own blog and opens the floor to a woman calling herself Eleanor Sauvage, a woman who has been a "secondary partner" in a non monogamous relationship. Sauvage begins by saying:
I actually think that whilst the commenters on both of the Feministe threads are right that poly can be very unfeminist and mono can be feminist, poly, precisely because poly is unusual and often marginalised, means that the kinds of gender dynamics which so often shape (especially heterosexual) mono relationships kinda have to be more up for grabs, for negotiation, for reshaping, in a poly relationship. That is, in our current context, there's a tendency for people to assume that they know how a mono relationship is meant to go: there are depictions of it everywhere! And this often means that mono relationships aren't explicitly negotiated; the power relations within them are often not the subject of discussion.
This is one of the points of the pro-nonmonogamy arguments that I found most intriguing - that their existence can force people to start navigating their actual idea of roles based on gender, and find a different path based on what works for each partner. Sauvage also points out how her own personal experiences led her to find nonmonogamy more beneficial to her mind state:
I wasn't sure how I'd feel about the poly thing, especially about being in the dreaded position of the secondary ('omg! you're the fucktoy!'), but I want to explain why this has worked and continues to work for me, and works for me precisely to counter my tendency to be self-effacing in relationships (as women are taught to be). First, I know that when he wants to be with me, he wants to be with me. He isn't feeling obligated, or like he ought to be spending time with me because we are in a relationship. He spends time with me for me. That has done some lovely things for my rather battered self-esteem, yet because the relationship is a secondary one, and we don't get to see each other that often, it also means that I really don't feel – as I have in the past – that my real sense of worth comes from the relationship. I feel recognised and valued for who I am, not for being a girlfriend. Interestingly, this also intervenes quite neatly in jealousy, which at least for me has arisen from the idea that ‘he'd rather be with her than with me!' Clearly, who I am to him is sexy, and fun, and interesting and exciting enough that he makes the time for me/us.
But, once again, the crux of Sauvage's argument is that the absence of established rules makes it easier to negotiate and navigate the relationships a bit better:
[T]hat negotiation is possible in a mono relationship-and is engaged in, in the ones that work, I think!-it's just that because poly is unusual, in my experience, people don't assume they have a right to things, or assume they're fulfilling your needs based on some pre-defined notion of what a relationship is, as is so clearly defined for mono relationships in almost every love story ever. And my articulation of my desires or needs don't need to be balanced against whether I think it's fair to expect this of my partner, because there's no presumption that they will simply have to fulfill it. Nor does my honest articulation of my desires become a potential space of breaking up because the person I'm with can't fulfill them (which is handy, given that I like girls as well, and would like to be able to like ‘em right up close, as it were, a set of desires I mostly kept from my previous partner, that my sweetie positively encourages me in). All the balancing acts involved in relationships are a bit more up for grabs because there's so few models for these relationships floating around.
While I am sure for many of us, the idea of nonmongamy is a lot to consider, I wanted to focus on the idea that both pieces brought up - what would our relationships with our partners be like without the idea of ingrained gender roles? And without the idea of possession?
*Note: In the comments to her original post, Frau Sally Benz explains why she prefers the term "nonmonogamy" to "polygamy":
# Frau Sally Benz says:
August 15th, 2009 at 10:06 am - EditTechnically, the word polygamy means multiple marriages. Polygyny is one man with multiple wives, and polyandry is one woman with multiple husbands. These are the sociological definitions of these terms.
Nonmonogamy, on the other hand, does not necessarily have to be a marriage and it certainly doesn't need to be one man, many women or one woman, many men. It can be dating, swingers, gay relationships, etc. Say, for example, that in my nonmonogamous relationship, I am married to a primary male partner, and have a secondary female partner, but neither of those partners have any other partners (they don't even do anything with each other). This is a nonmonogamous relationship, but it certainly doesn't fit the traditional definition of polygamy.
Furthermore, polygamy is a loaded term in this country. When people hear the word polygamy, they think about Mormons with multiple wives, sometimes set up against the free will of the women. I would prefer to stay away from that image because what I'm talking about here is people willingly choosing to have multiple partners, however that is set up.
There are instances where a relationship is comprised of one man spiritually married to many women (since you can't legally marry more than one person, in the U.S. at least), or a woman spiritually married to many men. Those would fit the traditional definition of polygamy, but I'm not sure that they would call it that.
Nonmonogamy and Feminism: A Happy Couple [Feministe]
Another Perspective in Nonmonogamy [Feministe]
Cracking Myself Open [Jump Off the Bridge]
One of Ingrid berthon-Moine's portraits of women wearing their menstrual blood as lipstick. Photograph: Ingrid Berthon-Moine
One morning in 2005, Chella Quint was lying in bed wondering if her period was due. That day she was entering a contest to create a magazine in 24 hours. She needed an idea, and the two thoughts collided. Why not create a 10-year chart for her menstrual cycle? She need never lie in bed wondering again. She could include interviews, a diagram of female reproductive organs, an ode to alternative sanitary products . . .
So began Quint's life as a menstrual activist. Since that hastily written debut, she has created four issues of her 'zine, Adventures in Menstruating, complete with leakage horror stories and tampon craft projects. She has taken her "menstrual comedy" show from her home in Sheffield to feminist festivals in Berlin, Cork and Malmö. And she has started a project to photograph her "biggest bugbear": the sanitary disposal units (SDUs) in British toilets.
"My partner Sarah calls them 'the elephant in the smallest room'," she says of the SDUs. "Nobody talks about them. They're huge, grey and hulking, and if your bottom is bigger than your head then you've come into bodily contact with them. I'm just trying to chronicle the number of clues a woman might see each day that say 'You are a bio-hazard'." Quint's mission is to take the shame out of periods, to "help alter the visibility of menstruation, so that it's at least normal to talk about it. Because, right now, it's not".
Quint isn't the only one breaking taboos. It seems that menstrual activism (otherwise known as radical menstruation, menstrual anarchy, or menarchy) is having a moment. The term is used to describe a whole range of actions, not all considered political by the person involved: simple efforts to speak openly about periods, radical affronts to negative attitudes and campaigns for more environmentally friendly sanitary products. (It is estimated that a woman will dispose of 11,400 tampons in her lifetime – an ecological disaster.)
Earlier this year, 18-year-old Rachel Kauder Nalebuff published My Little Red Book, a collection of first period stories by women including Erica Jong, which became a US bestseller. In June, the British-based artist Ingrid Berthon- Moine exhibited a video at the Venice Biennale of her twanging her tampon string to the song Slave to the Rhythm. She is currently completing a series of photographs featuring women wearing their menstrual blood as lipstick.
Jezebel, the popular women's website, has posted a story, describing in lingering detail, the much-feared-but-never-spoken-of experience of forgetting to remove a tampon (after 10 days it smelled of "rotting fish meets sewage meets Black Death"). Filmmaker and academic Giovanna Chesler has toured her documentary, Period: The End of Menstruation, a response to the growing number of hormone treatments that promise to end the monthly bleed altogether. And, when I wrote an article for G2 this summer about a Tampax advertising campaign that used viral marketing techniques, the online comments were dominated by glowing reviews of an alternative sanitary product, the Moon Cup. Apparently Moon Cup enthusiasts were staging a viral campaign of their own.
Next spring, Chris Bobel, associate professor of women's studies at the University of Massachusetts Boston, publishes New Blood: Third Wave Feminism and the Politics of Menstruation. Most menstrual activists, says Bobel, "begin by thinking, wait a minute! Do we have to regard our period as something dirty? Do we have to greet a girl's first period with silence? And then they get interested in challenging that."
So, for instance, Kauder Nalebuff's book stemmed from her own first experience of menstruation - waterskiing in a yellow swimsuit with her grandfather. She thought this was a truly "terrible story", but when it was shared with her family, it was brought into stark perspective. Her great aunt Nina revealed that her first period arrived as she was about to be strip searched while fleeing Nazi-occupied Poland, and "the most powerful part," says Kauder Nalebuff, "was that she had never told anyone about this before. I started asking other women in my family about their first periods, and I found it was an electric topic." She sees her project "as a segue for women to talk openly about their family history, their bodies. Really important issues."
Menstrual activism certainly isn't new. In 1970, in The Female Eunuch, Germaine Greer memorably wrote that "if you think you are emancipated, you might consider the idea of tasting your own menstrual blood – if it makes you sick, you've a long way to go, baby". Bobel has charted the movement's history, writing about the first "bleed-in" in 1973, when 13 women gathered in the US and "shared stories of their first periods". Around the same time the artist Judy Chicago created Red Flag, a lithograph of a bloody tampon being pulled from between a woman's legs. (Berthon-Moine's work reflects Chicago's, and is, she says, similarly a way of breaking taboos and "showing what you usually don't see – tampons, blood, all that".)
In the 80s, the focus shifted, with activists "working with industry and government to produce safer products", says Bobel. This was the era of the toxic shock syndrome epidemic; in 1980, 813 period-related toxic shock cases were reported in the US, and 38 women died. The panic and fear inspired some incredibly effective activism. In Britain, for instance, Bernadette Vallely and the Women's Environmental Network campaigned against the potential health risks of chlorine-bleached sanitary products; apparently, after just six weeks all major British producers had pledged to stop the bleaching process.
These days, says Bobel, activists often bypass engagement with corporations and concentrate on DIY approaches, setting up businesses that sell reusable sanitary products for instance. This reflects the punk and alternative roots of the current movement. Where the hippy/spiritual wing of 70s feminism might once have composed celebratory songs to the lunar cycle, recent activists are more likely to dress up as a bloody tampon and perform a cheer: "Smear it on your face and rub it on your body, it's time to start a menstrual party!"
It would be easy to lampoon those who are breaking the menstrual taboo, to accuse them not just of navel-gazing, but of setting their sights quite literally lower. Of all the feminist issues in the world, why this one? And might it not prove an invitation for men to talk about their bodily functions too? (Something surely to be avoided.)
But, as Kauder Nalebuff's book illustrates, this is a subject long mired in shame and confusion – there are girls who know nothing about periods until their first one arrives, and assume it is a sign of impending death. Many grown women still feel embarrassed about buying tampons. When touring her film, Chesler says that she met groups of women who had never heard the term "ovulation"; audiences would nonetheless have two-hour conversations about their experiences. And then there are the environmental issues, which are still far from being resolved.
Quint says that she will write her 'zine until she is finally ready for Adventures in Menopausing instead, "but, of course, it would be great if I didn't have to, if there was no shame whatsoever". For now, this seems a long way off. The bloody fight continues.
Laura Scott is 47, childless, and writing in the Daily Mail. Given the venue, we figured she'd be blaming feminism for her barren womb and life — but actually, she's totally happy.
Scott writes,
While babies in prams got my friends all gooey, they left me cold. I didn't see how I could juggle a career with children. And I didn't see why I'd want to. [...]
I know Mum didn't begrudge the time she gave me and my brother. But I feared I would. After taking a fashion course at college, I landed a fantastic job in retail and rapidly started climbing the career ladder.
I couldn't imagine giving it all up for children.
Her essay admirably busts some myths about childless women. She's not cold or selfish — she has a close relationship with her family and mentors a teenage mom. She doesn't worry about who will take care of her in old age — not having children has allowed her and her husband to save up some money for nursing care, and, as she points out, most elderly people aren't actually cared for by their children anyway. She bristles when people tell her "that one day, when my ovaries have shrivelled, I'll regret not having children." "It's ludicrous," she writes, "No one should rush into something that life-changing."
I tend to agree that "just because you might want them someday" isn't a good reason to procreate. But unfortunately, this is the Daily Mail, and any article about a woman's lifestyle has to pit itself against — you guessed it — the lifestyles of other women. Zoe Lewis railed against feminists for supposedly forcing her to forgo marriage and children, and Scott slightly more subtly disses women who choose to breed. Married for 21 years, she says she and her husband Robert "enjoy a wonderful, passionate marriage and fantastic lifestyle largely because we don't have children." She explains,
We hold hands, we kiss. We do all the things couples with children somehow forget to do any more.
Not having children means we have time to focus totally on each other. So many marriages fall apart when children come along because parents don't have time to talk, and problems fester. That doesn't happen with us.
Apparently, couples with children have bad marriages. Also, when mothers get old, they're lonely anyway. Scott says as they age, she and her husband will "be better off than those sad old women waiting to be taken out to lunch once a month." Oh, and also you can't be a mom and have a successful career. To illustrate this one, Scott references one of the women she interviewed for her book, Two Is Enough:
Gina is a high-powered businesswoman in her 30s. ‘If you're going to be successful, you have to pour yourself into it,' she says. ‘And that wouldn't be fair on a child.' Does it make us selfish or sensible? I don't see anything great about trying to play Superwoman and ending up small-changing everyone.
Scott says "I don't want to sound smug," but she definitely does, especially when she says things like, "I suspect some of my friends envy me because I'm living the lifestyle they wish they could have. Do I envy them? Not at all." Given that friends and strangers alike accuse her of being selfish and ask her when she's going to pop one out, a little defensiveness is natural. But Scott ends up sounding almost as bad as those who say all women should stay home and make babies. Like them, she seems to be arguing that there's no good way to balance family and career, ignoring the fact that there are lots of ways governments and employers could help women do this. By claiming that nothing can make motherhood and work compatible, she gives society yet another excuse not to try.
She also seems to be saying having children is incompatible with happiness. Again, a certain amount of backlash against her wrongheaded critics is to be expected. And she does pay some lip service to moms by mentioning her friend Karen, who loves her kids. But couldn't she simply have explained why being childless works for her and her husband, rather than claiming their lives are better than those of people with kids? By doing so, she may actually be giving ammunition to the kinds of people who criticize her for not breeding — they could just as easily fire back with how much better their lives are than hers. Memo to Scott: the way to get other people to respect your lifestyle is not to malign theirs. Choice feminism: ur doin it rong.
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